Mar 16, 2025
This is a very nice chapter :3 I do particularly like the concept, especially this kind of eclectic mixture of supernatural/fantasy races. I like it so much so that I've attempted it several times to no avail, so I hope you can succeed where I haven't.
Much as I enjoy it, however, I do have a list of qualms. For one, I think this chapter is a bit loaded. It begins in a 'classical' way, but the description is a bit dry and explicative - sadly, not unlike most of the exposition here. If anything, I think this is the kind of story where information is best drip-fed, since a reader can suspend their disbelief if the first thing they're introduced to is a fairy greeting an iron giant, then having a slight row with a birdperson.
Contributing to the same loadedness, I feel like we're introduced to a bit too many different characters and idea in a short amount of time. Whilst some of that is part of the flavour (I don't think the fact that Lincoln was a LICH alumnus, or that Kork's a cold war relic matter and that's fine). But the characters are a little overwhelming, I'll admit. There's a lot of teachers, student names and some history and backstory between them that crowds my short-term memory, and I kind of suffer. Evidence of that is that I can't remember half the people invited to Alice's mum birthday party, though they sound somewhat important. Again, I think drip-feeding can allow for a lot more *depth* to be reached before any *breadth*. But that's a bit of a matter of preference; I like a character hook more than a plot one.
What I do appreciate, however, is the bit of subtlety here and there. Mrs Oskarsdottir is a very nice example of that, since she's a 'woman with a beard' with a very well-crafted Icelandic name. So you don't have to tell us that she's a dwarf (presumably), we can infer that quite well. And I think this is the kind of technique you could use a lot more :3
As for the interactions between characters, I think they're a bit squeaky at the joints. In the one between Alice and Bruno, I feel like a little bit too much is kept from the reader. I can appreciate there's benefit from characters' lives not starting at the beginning of the story, and that's perfectly fine. But in this case, with the silver pills, all being my fault, a crater in the moon later on, I feel like the reader doesn't know enough to be able to intuit the substance behind their dialogue - which makes it somewhat misplaced. If anything, I think Alice and Mina's is far more revelatory in that regard, which is a welcome boon. But where that one trips over a little is that it feels almost too directed? Like it's kind of trying to communicate information to the reader rather than be a natural conversation/curiosity between characters. That's not the case with the electives, but once Bruno becomes the focus, my impression changes :D
Still, this is a very cutesy story and it feels like it has an enormous amount of thought put into it (even though you say you're a pantser, missy). I'll be sniffing this later. Best of luck ;3
