Jan 19, 2022
I think this is as far as I'll go.
I don't really have much to say about this fiction so far. I find the premise to be very weird and suspension of disbelief, realism and what-not aside, it just doesn't vibe well with me. Tensain is just too much of a virgin for me to understand how in hell's name he was out of high school at 17, then speedran 10 years of college in 5 to get a PhD. when he wasn't even smart to begin with.
I won't even touch on the motifs, but at some point, I dunno there's animeisms and there is *too much* of anything. I do feel like that boundary has been crossed here.
My main gripe is the style, really. I can live with the present tense narration, it's fine in general and the very abrupt nature of the events works well with it; gives it a sense of immediacy, I suppose. But there's just so much inconsequential fat, I'm bored. The chapters feel so long due to the interactions that simply aren't interesting to me. I feel like there's a lot of 'idling', for lack of a better word – characters that just drone on and on in some meaningless interaction that only ends with the bit that actually does something.
For the most part, this feels like it's written like a manga script; the way the sentences flow, the 'panels', the inner thoughts displayed and alternated. But, to me, it's just not doing it. I can't really get invested when I'm being described things in a very explicit, forward manner, or when I need to sift through very elaborate things for little payoff (the time when Tensain presses backspace twice comes to mind).
I feel like the best bit of advice I can give you is to practise narrative focus. I think you have a lot of ideas and feel the need to put them all in, but at some point it's just far too much. It starts subtracting more than it adds when so much is added because nothing really feels important. I can appreciate some inconsequential details, I think they can be used very well to add depth to a scenario, but you take it to a level when the events portrayed are just excessive. So, I suppose it might be best if you try compressing what you want to say to a more essential package. For a .zip, it's got a pretty large file size.
That's all I have to say.
Bubs, out.
