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Hobbyist writer, attempting to improve. Criticism welcome.
What is an Achievement?
Oct 12, 2022
Cat!
Twisting his hair with a fork is brutal.
I might have to switch my favorite character from Emma to Agatha. “It’s just like my Japanese anime” isn’t much of a character trait, but I can’t help but identify with it anyway.
Oof. I can sympathize with Haruto not wanting to be a part of his parents' worlds, and maybe even a little bit for wanting to have a more normal family, but wishing your dad was a stereotypical Japanese salarayman. 😬
Shows he still has a lot of growing to do.
Oct 10, 2022
This reminded me of so many high school trips with hotels where we were 2 to a bed. Some guys really would just sleep on the floor.
To:Spirit9871
Thank you! Finding that balance between dialog and narration has always been one of my weak points as a writer, and one that I set out to improve when I wrote this story, so I'm happy to hear you thought it worked well for this chapter.
Oct 09, 2022
I feel called out by that bit about nerds having competitive rage. Why do we always have to try to establish a nerd pecking order?
Miku's got a point. Good organization skills and work ethic may not be enough to carry a relationship on their own, but there are worse reasons to be attracted to someone.
Oct 08, 2022
I hate to echo all the comments praising Emma, but it’s great that she’s still focusing on living life, and maybe making a new Italy friend, in the midst of this.
Oct 07, 2022
50k Yen? 😳
Got distracted while reading this chapter to look up the history of Catholic attitudes towards chocolate, since I know some people who forgo it for lent.
I love this premise! Excited to see how it develops.
Sep 25, 2022
This was a very fun, very gay sci-fi romp! Best of luck with the judging!
Sep 23, 2022
I wasn’t expecting the VD joke. Got a chuckle out of me. Nicely done.
Sep 18, 2022
To:Swiggy
Thank you! I am, once again, sorry I couldn't make it to the cold reading, but I'm glad it inspired that discussion.
It feels like Isul was the best thing in Tristan's life. Without his full memories, I worry what will happen to them now.
