N. D. Skordilis

N. D. Skordilis

“The Sun ascended slowly above the land of the rising Sun. The sky was ice crystal clear and the low Sun was so red that it looked as if it escaped from a Japanese flag. The last few hours were dead quiet in the frozen Tokachi wheat fields, in Hokkaido; a male barn owl just finished hunting rodents hiding among the wheat fields and the snow.

The owl caught two red squirrels, a crying rabbit and a small snow-white lizuma weasel; it caught its last prey despite having hidden perfectly in the thick snow and barely making a sound. It stood no chance against the barn owl's acute hearing though. It was a good night’s harvest for the male owl, his mate and their four fledglings...”

The rest can be read here:
https://medium.com/illumination/the-field-of-ice-and-blood-5a678be3d617

All my links:
http://my.bio/sharpedon

registered at: Jul 09, 2021
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021


    Sep 29, 2021

    RexxDrink rejoice, it is your novel's turn to go through my lengthy chopping block! 😛 Here we go..

    The script format you chose is interesting, however it is inconsistent. You repeatedly change points of view between third omniscient and first singular and, as kazesenken pointed out, it would have been wise to stick to third omni if you wanted to retain the script format. First singular is personal, scripts by design are impersonal (thus need third omni).

    Furthermore, your tenses are also inconsistent (occasionally). For instance: "Her face had changed, the worry was gone, she smiles a little and discreetly and I continue." is an example with past perfect, simple past *and* present tense all in a single sentence. Since this was part of narration you should have used simple past tense for all verbs of the sentence (yes, even for 'continue').

    Points of view and grammatical tenses are the *only* things that need to remain consistent during narration. Tenses can change when required, e.g. during dialogues; but not during pure narration as in the sentence above.

    As for that bit I doubt the multiple "his" were all a typo so I suppose Rochely was a trans man, right? "I kept calling his name, while his eyes were closing, until it was all over, like a sound of a stretched rope being cut to indicate the end of a life. The heartbeat no longer captured any more from Rochely." Quite an interesting (and rare) character choice, well done. 😊

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    2.5 billion times
    Chapter:1

    Sep 29, 2021

    "Well, at least she seems to have understood the stakes"

    What I've been curious about since I started reading this novel is that the players take it *extremely* seriously; as if they are almost going to die IRL if they die in-game. This chapter, and particularly the above line, enhance that feeling.

    I wonder if that was deliberate on your part Polymorphe, to suggest that the VR(MMO) games of the future are potentially going to be even more addictive than current non VR games, with some gamers being practically lost in them for IRL *days* (24 hours in a row without sleeping, eating, drinking and.. the rest of daily needs still borders on insane, and could be dangerous).

    So your two leads officially became partners. The non-loli girl (as far as I recall you have named neither of them right?) appears to be a bit.. volatile emotionally, if not unstable. I wonder if that's just in-game or if it also reflects her real world character.

    This chapter had a little more exposition, internal monologue & thinking and remarks from the main lead than I would have liked (presumably due to the lack of action) but otherwise it was a good chapter.

    Editing wise the only error I spotted was that phrase:
    ‘..fearing an enemy lurking in the shadows..’
    This should rather be 'fearing for (or worrying about) (potential) *enemies* lurking in the shadows'. 'An enemy' is too specific, as if you already seen them or *know* they are lurking there 😊

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    BRO: Battle Royale Online cover 7 - Final Battle Ver.
    BRO: Battle Royale Online
    Chapter:4



    A better edit of the She Wolf cover
    She Wolf will not find her mate; I curse the Spring that came too quickly. I won't fall in love!
    Chapter:1





    Sep 27, 2021

    Your story is very good m8. Really. That's not empty flattery. It has clearly been 'polished' multiple times, since no error stood out, not even minor ones (on the other hand I am not a formally trained editor, so I cannot claim it is error-free).

    Formatting wise it is very well balanced: its text is as loose as it should be for a web novel platform, the paragraphs are short but not too short, and even the sentences are as short or as long as they should be. The word count for a first chapter is perhaps just a little bit high (though the word count of my own 'official' first chapter -not the prologue- was even higher).

    Plot wise you maintained a nice balance between show & tell, while keeping the exposition to low levels. You disclosed as much as you should for a first chapter, and I think you did as much world-building as you should as well. The same, more or less, applies to your two leads Lev and Sehyun.

    You showed, rather than told, the few stuff we learnt about them in little bits and pieces here and there, keeping us readers curious about them ("Why does Lev wear a mask?", "Who is Nabi?", "What is Lev's relationship with Sehyun?", "Is Sehyun Nabi?" etc etc)

    Not to mention Pierce and how he controlled those rods.. Is he a telekinetic? Is it magic or did he perhaps do it via advanced tech?

    When I take a much needed... reading breather I will make sure to continue reading your novel 😊
    (if you want to put my own novel through the chopping block be my guest. I'm a big boy, I can take it; and my prologue is quite short )

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    UnCrowned New Cover
    UnCrowned
    Chapter:1