N. D. Skordilis

N. D. Skordilis

“The Sun ascended slowly above the land of the rising Sun. The sky was ice crystal clear and the low Sun was so red that it looked as if it escaped from a Japanese flag. The last few hours were dead quiet in the frozen Tokachi wheat fields, in Hokkaido; a male barn owl just finished hunting rodents hiding among the wheat fields and the snow.

The owl caught two red squirrels, a crying rabbit and a small snow-white lizuma weasel; it caught its last prey despite having hidden perfectly in the thick snow and barely making a sound. It stood no chance against the barn owl's acute hearing though. It was a good night’s harvest for the male owl, his mate and their four fledglings...”

The rest can be read here:
https://medium.com/illumination/the-field-of-ice-and-blood-5a678be3d617

All my links:
http://my.bio/sharpedon

registered at: Jul 09, 2021
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    Sep 21, 2021

    Quite a radical change of scenery, narrator, setting and even genre basically, which quite frankly I did not expect. This was a sudden but nice surprise!

    I thought Yang was being tested but judging from this chapter I think she was being *trained*. For what I do not yet know, but Jyn and her own mission might be connected. It might not be a coincidence that Jun found Yang, perhaps it was set up that way by whoever trained the latter.

    Well, that's all about the plot and characters, time to move on to the editing bits. Because I enjoyed this chapter this time I will point whatever I spotted, all seven 'pearls' as they are called in Greek slang. Here we go.. :

    'signed' --> 'sighed'

    "with no feature" --> features

    "Mrs Granhart I believed" --> believe

    "Appearing behind elegantly was a being with silver hair dressed in a maid outfit." -->
    "An elegant being with silver hair appeared (from behind) dressed in a maid outfit" (not technically wrong but it is more, er, elegant to rewrite a bit more cleanly the first three words)

    'signing' --> 'sighing'

    "..she commented -->at<-- the injuries.." --> "..she commented *on* the injuries.."

    "..undoing all of her precious work -->beforehand<--" ('beforehand' means 'in advance' or 'before an action', so it makes no sense to use it in this context, since it would mean "*before undoing* all of her precious work".

    Sequence wise that's the opposite of what she did. Hence, I would suggest you either removed the adverb or replaced it with 'from before', which is apparently what you meant) 😊

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    2
    CirCular Cover Art 2
    CirCular
    Chapter:3




    Sep 20, 2021

    A quite good second chapter (though not as good as the first one) that I think requires a little bit more polishing editing wise, particularly the dialogue parts. I like how you gradually start to 'flesh out' Noah and Dolly, even if she technically lacks flesh 😆

    What stood out more to me in this chapter (editing wise) was this paragraph:

    "Dolly gazed at the purple hyacinths.
    She noticed there are other colored hyacinths nearby but decided that she will figure them out on her own later. After all, Noah was busy drinking his water, and -->Dolly<-- needed to relax after hours of walking."

    While between the first 'Dolly' and the second one there are two 'she' pronouns the second 'Dolly' still feels redundant or repetitive. Perhaps you added the second 'Dolly' to avoid adding a third 'she', but it does not read good or 'organic' I think. It's like the word was picked and placed where it did not belong, artificially, breaking the narrative flow :)

    You could slightly reword the paragraph to remove one of the two 'she' pronouns and then replace the second 'Dolly' with a 'she', so that you avoid having three 'she' pronouns in a row.
    (For instance you could write "..decided to figure them out on her own later" or "Dolly gazed at the purple hyacinths and noticed there are..")

    Just my two editing cents. If you can spare the time to take a look at my own novel too and say what you think I would greatly appreciate it, thankz ^.^

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    2
    Realm Assassin
    REALM ASSASSIN
    Chapter:2