Sep 09, 2021
A few points again, for editing :
While "Are you ironic?" is technically correct this is not something that English speakers say. They instead would say "Are you being sarcastic?" or "Was that irony?"
The line where Kibo thinks "It's been a while since I last smoked..." reads like a dialogue line, but it is not. To distinguish it from the actual dialogue lines you could use single quotes instead of double (i.e. ' ' instead of " ") and then add a "Kibo thought" at the end, for clarity and so that your readers are not confused (I was, and tried to find out who she was talking to).
It is also "Yume whispers *to* herself", not 'for' and as for the politeness of Kibo to Yume I did not feel it 'translated' well in English. I get what you were going for, you were trying to show the varying politeness of Japanese honorifics.
I suppose in Japanese Kibo would call Yume 'Yume-san' instead of 'Yume-chan' or even, the most direct and 'rudest' of all, with no honorific at all, as (I think) Yume wanted. In Japanese that would make sense, but in English it doesn't (at least the way your wrote it) due to well documented cultural differences. I know that is a problem in anime / manga subs as well, but at least these are Japanese-first, not English-first. ☺️
Finally you need to retain coherent tenses during your narration. You repeatedly interchanged past tense with present tense in this chapter and that is perhaps the most serious error of all, since it is about grammar. This is also something I tend to do and I fix during editing (in the last hours before the deadline it was the main thing I spent time fixing..).
I will comment on plot and characters in a later chapter, since I already wrote *way* too much :)
