Sep 02, 2023
If there was one constant throughout this story, then it was Lilia-chan. Without her Haruhi and Ichika wouldn't even have found together now! But you're still very good in rounding off endings nicely! And there we are at the ending ... 😱
So, there we go again! 😜
You know the drill by now, so I'll skip the disclaimers and get straight to the point!
Throughout all your novels you definitely kept your identity in this one as well. It is a certain humor, mixed with deeper character moments. And I think as in your other novels, characters and situational humor were your strongest point.
Ichika, Haruhi, the otakus and the normies. They all had their distinct voices, unique quirks and traits that made all of the lovable and easily identifiable. I also think that the overall plot decisions of not sparking a fight between the both "factions" was a good idea and also contributed to the wholesomeness vibe. You definitely created a light and enjoyable story and I congratulate you on finishing it! 😊
But as you also know: A Donut review wouldn't be a Donut review if I wouldn't touch upon the areas that I think might need some improvement. Your story is definitely a very enjoyable read, but I also think that a few of your prior stories were still stronger than this one.
You tried entertaining readers with something that feels very much like a comedy anime. You already did this with your prior novels. They all had a level of entertainment and a funny, easygoing and quirky vibe with them, but to me it feels strongest in this one. While I really enjoy your humor, I think you overdid it slightly, especially in the earlier chapters.
At first, the overall premise felt like a predictable, wholesome RomCom plot, and the beginning of the story itself seemed to go for the same direction. There might be people really enjoying this--like people enjoy watching the same Isekai over and over again--but I was already a little reserved, knowing that you had already walked this or a very similar road in Blue Memory.
But the further we came to the ending and the more honestly and heartfelt moments we had, the more I began liking this story. Really: I think that the way Ichika and Haruhi slowly found together was really nicely designed, and the reason for this weaker start probably grounded in the fact that you didn't take your time to think this through before starting to write on it ... because other projects had been more important at that time.
NOBODY would have been mad at you, if you just paused Soul Nemesis, as soon as the Contest was announced (to continue after it was over). Nobody is capable of multitasking and you have to build a solid foundation to make things work from the beginning. So you know, what you gotta do next time 😉
Another thing, that felt a little bit off, was your pacing. I'm not the biggest fan of slow burning romances. That's not because I dislike a slow burning romance in general, but most of them have points, where the development between the characters feels like it is stepping on the spot. And right then ... they make a step back again--not because there was a valid justification for it, but to stretch things even more out. A good example was, when Ichika "let Haruhi free" and deleted the image on the beach. That was a great and valid reason for them to step back. Like: They wouldn't need to play girlfriend and boyfriend anymore.
Them not moving any further in their relationship in the chapters before that on the other hand was a bad example. A little bit hesitance was definitely justified, but they met I think two or three times without any notable progression (around the soccer match, right after Haruhi came back from the date with Sumi and "saved" Ichika from her father).
It's not like the interactions were written badly, but there is this rule of thumb: I your story still works when cutting a certain aspect out, it is a sign that you should do exactly that. And if we want to push things even further: You don't have to split their character progression into two. They can also grow closer to each other, while already starting to overcome their insecurities at the same time in a gradual progression. An extra arc for the latter part would not have been necessary, and I think that this would have even increased the wholesomeness to a certain degree.
Don't write a chapter because it seems like the sensible next step; not because you can see them doing a certain activity; because you came up with a funny joke. Write a chapter because it pushes the story forward and develops the characters to the next step on their journey!
Your story might get shorter and it will get harder to decide on a certain chapter, because you suddenly have several things to balance out, but no joke or no interesting scene will be able to outweigh a flawed pacing. This obviously only applies to plot-centered stories. More slice-of-lifey ones are not directly dependent on plot, so these considerations are less relevant there. Plus! If you add a few breather chapters, that are just a way to provide for space to think about the plot-centered ones, that is an exception from this as well (while you can also still sneak in a few more toned-down character progression sequences in there).
Next thing is show don't tell! You're great in writing funny and witty conversations, but some of the characters thoughts feel slightly intrusive. This as well got better as the story progressed, but in the setup phase, it felt sometimes like you were classifying anything. Let your characters actions and the environments (!) they inhabit speak more for themselves. Even if you only hint certain things, that then go above the readers heads: So be it! If a certain information is necessary, you can hint at it more than once and finally state it. But this is less intrusive. This is only a smaller remark though, since the closer to the end we got, the better this got as well!
One thing I would also want to talk about is a rough assessment on how I see your chances for the short list (at least I think that might be interesting as well). You definitely hit the marks on the Romance part and the Chance Encounter as well. Only thing that might get in your way is the Wholesomeness.
While the development between Ichika and Haruhi are pretty cute and wholesome, you had a few rather stark drama elements in there. The love triangle with Sumi and the way Ichika is suppressed by her father and the blackmailing part being the main ones.
The prime example for Wholesomeness for me was Skip and Loafer in the last season. It is light and easygoing feelgood. Even though, there are some drama elements, they are quickly resolved ... mostly even IN THE SAME EPISODE or they don't turn out as bad in the end! Simply because the character TALK with one another and don't need to rely on tropes. Just real people, interacting maturely with each other.
While I could still be wrong and your judge might like your story so much that they look past this, I think your chances of getting picked are tied to this thin thread. There are quite a few good stories for Present Day that might be closer matches, so I sadly see the probability of you getting picked as not very high.
BUT! that doesn't make your story worse as it stands! I still love Haruhi and Ichika and all the other characters you created. This only ties to how well your story fits what Kodansha is searching for.
My suggestions for the next time are: Don't bite more than you can chew and think you can juggle multiple projects at the same time. Don't write scenes just because, but only if they somehow push the plot further. If you want to get into the short list, try to research the requirements of the contest and understand what exactly they imply. Show, don't tell.
(But I'm also rather positive, that you already figured a few of these points out yourself 😉)
I know that you can and have done better than this! I don't want to disillusion you in any way and you know that! Since you're more or less still on hiatus, use this opportunity to think about these points. You are meant to write your stories and I know how challenging, cruel and gruesome it can be to push you work towards the limits of what your body is physically possible to create, until you're spitting blood.
Take your time to unwind a little, breathe through and keep going! Only you can create the stories no one else can. But please try to learn from your mistakes, even if this reduces your output speed or requires you to do some training, planning or whatever else might be necessary.
I know you can do this, so go ahead and show me what you're capable of! 😉❤️
Thanks for writing!
Many successes and all the best! 😊❤️❤️❤️
IceDonut 😉🍩
