Dec 11, 2021
Hmmmmm, no issue with it beging disorientating and mysterious as that seems to be what dolly is also feeling, rather I would draw attention to your combat.
It feels a bit like animation, you have the key frames in your head - images like the floating red hat and what not, but you don't have the in-betweens.
You expertly describe the little girl's face transformation but not what happens to the rest of her, so when you write that she's started throwing rocks, I'm at a loss for what to picture😅😅.
You also frequently state someone's been hit by an impact but not the sounds of it, the sickening crunches or the bending bones - This causes it to be a bit weightless.
Further the corridor is really hard to picture, it's supposedly filled with people but how big is it? I'd personally add something like a single line stating it to be the size of a subway or some such other relatable thing to give your readers a nice easy context to visualise.
Also it would help alot if dolly gave her name before the figth. At points in the battle you use the word 'girl' for both dolly and the monster which is awkward. The rest of the time you have way to much reliance on 'the android', knowing her name is dolly would greatly improve the word variety and flow of the chapter.
Overall a very intriguing chapter and I look foward to seeing how your combat improves with time, also love the corrupted text at the end😁✌️😊👍.
