Jan 05, 2022
Eree um.... Wah? ๐
๐
.
That was um, unexpectedly brief.
I know you wrote this semi-off the cuff for the x-mas challange so I'll try to be brief and not too harsh (Spoilers Ahoy);
The death is just plain bad, and well physically impossible ๐
.
I mean you can slit a throat for almost definite death but this... Well it comes off as very Monthy Phyton.
The whole thing feels a bit off too. Sending Luara to find the boy, then bring him back is silly (no offence mr.preist๐
).
Surely assains would make more sense?
And why spend a day teaching him magic, rather then stalling for time - Why would he do the killing himself for that matter and why not use employs who are in on his scheme?
I could go on but you get my point.
Tonally the novel is also...wierd. The first few chapters are framed as a horror survival but then it swaps to being clearly built as a grand adventure - And then it just ends with hints of tragedy and romance.
It's hard to say there are even characters aside from Luara I guess, who stays true to doing what she believes is rigth?
I mean they're are some good ideas in here.
The idea of the chosen one, who in saving the world will also destroy it first is great (see wheel of time for more of that๐
).
Further the church's dilemma and heck even the idea that in the future they actually will get to meet again - All sounds great - But for a short story it's just too much too fast.
The end is sweat but the final 'battle' is very highly unsatisfing. The themes are muddled at best, the tone rubber bands around the place and the characters are all predictable and one note.
My God that all sounds very cruel, apologies ๐
๐
.
Again I'll stress that some of this works great and I'd love to see a more fleshed out version of this that you did not for the sake of the competition.
As it is it's still a lot of fun and good on you for writing it so fast.
I'll look foward to the next thing you make๐๐.
((Sorry again for the harsh write-up๐
๐
))
