Momentie / Comments

Momentie

25 Following

45 Followers

Hi there,
This is the former home of some of my novels, you can find them these days over on RoyalRoad!

registered at: Oct 14, 2021

Roles

Author

Badge

bronze

What is Badge?

Achievements

What is an Achievement?

Report this user

Comments

aaa

Oct 27, 2021

@Aeos_Sidhe below summed up my feelings, it seems like you have a story you'd like to feel but weather your nervous or it isn't your first language it's a bit hard to read and while I got the gist of what's going on, it isn't in the best of states.

I wish you luck with writing more and learning to use English a little more aptly😊👍.

Next Chance my New Liefe in a other wolrd

Chapter:1

Oct 27, 2021

Got to admit if this really is the stories end then I'm impressed by and admire the Hutspur😂😂

Reincarnated? Really? As what? Some kind of Genie? (RAG?)

Chapter:5

Oct 27, 2021

Seems like you've got a nice sense of humour. The prologue is solidly intriguing, however I'd of aimed for this chapter to be a bit longer, I didn't really feel like it went anywhere other then some fun meta jokes(though I guess that was the point).

Keep up the good work and thanks for liking my own novel😊👍.

Reincarnated? Really? As what? Some kind of Genie? (RAG?)

Chapter:2

Oct 27, 2021

The two lads remind me of 'Starwind and Hawking' but with two bums, rather then two bounty hunting bums😂👍.

Interested to see where it goes💪👍.

Memoir Of A Cigar

Chapter:2

Oct 27, 2021

Seems almost Freudian in nature.

Also I understand the appeal of the long paragraph but maybe a few pause breaks wouldn't kill the tone😉😉.

Interesting stuff👍👍.

Memoir Of A Cigar

Chapter:1

Oct 27, 2021

Interesting premise, it may help to slow down a little on places, for example the scene with the AI is Great and you manage to give them all a surprising amount of characterisation quite fast, however the scene by itself would probably serve as a nice short prologue to hook people in.

That way you could pad chapter 1 out a bit more with more descriptions of the crew-mates or what the bridge of the ship looks like.

Good job overall friend😊👍.

Arc Incidents

Chapter:1

Oct 27, 2021

Similar to my comment on the prologue, it will help the work greatly if you watch your word choice some more.
Big issue I noticed was the lack of spacing between individuals talking. For one sometimes you can describe a conversation rather then necessarily having it all typed. Futher press "Shift + Enter" to add small pause breaks - and using ';' to start a sentance may also help😊👍.

Moreover these first three chapters could probably just be one chapter, I'd forego or write something different for your prologue and instead merge the first three chapters into one.

Also try add some short descriptions of the people and places to give the reader a better idea of what they should be imagining roughly speaking.

Hope that helps, looking forwards to the next one😎😊👍

Growing up sometimes is scary.

Chapter:2

Oct 27, 2021

Interesting stuff, your grammer could do with a little polish to make it easy to read and but more variety in your word choice would help but other then that be interesting to see where it goes😎👍.

Growing up sometimes is scary.

Chapter:0

Oct 26, 2021

To:Workaholic

No worries, I've done a fair bit of technical writing in my time too, many an email packed with mostly engineering details😂😂.

I'll look foward to seeing what comes next😊👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:2

Oct 25, 2021

From having a quick glance at the comments below, it seems people have already called to attention the rather large amount of expositionary dialog in this chapter and that you plan to revamp it.

As someone who is also prone to detail heavy writing, my own method is to try and weave it in. As Grandpa works as a researcher you migth be able to have the two walking through as lab as you explain what's going on. Also make sure it's logical for them to say. When grandpa complains about two long wars, that's great but Mana actually mentions it internally atleast twice more, not so great.

Overall though you have me intrigued and I'll look foward to the 'V2' you mentioned 😎👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:2

Oct 25, 2021

Interesting, I really like all the cut out to world-building. Kind of reminds me of how the novel 'Dune' starts each chapter with an excerpt from an in universe book.

I also get kind of Joan of Arc vibes from the 'Great', child prodigy, gives the declining army hope, essentially made a field commander at a young age.

Makes for an intriguing hook😎👍.

The Nonpareil of Resh (Act 1)

Chapter:7

Oct 25, 2021

To:iaraman

No worries at all, glad to be of help. Concerns over weapons in the future factor into my own work so it's something I've considered at large😂.

No need to read it but ya Eye of the World is a pretty classic fantasy, you migth like it considering its similar prose style to your own😊👍

Ad Novum Initium

Chapter:3

Oct 25, 2021

I like the chemistry you got between the two conversing. Theres a couple spots where the grammer isn't wrong per-say but doesn't scan overly well but that's a fairly minor issue.

I'll be interesting to learn more of the circumstances going forward😊👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:1

Oct 25, 2021

Maybe I'm over thinking it but I think it's fun trying the guess who 'That girl' mentioned in chapter 1 was.

I think the black haired girl he run into is already out of the running😂😂. Be interesting to see if the current dining partner is actually a boy or not. Fun stuff😊👍.

For When Morning Comes and the Sun Doesn't Rise

Chapter:3

Oct 25, 2021

To:Workaholic

Agreed, like I said below though, 5th century swords still very much so exist and could most certainly still kill you.

The point being if some war occured where both armies completly exhausted themselves(this is seemingly post-apocaliptic remember), then the idea an old gun migth still be usefull seems wholly believably.

I'd rather defend myself with an ancient sword, then my bare fists. In fact this isn't even rare, the Gundam franchise has a very climatic battle where they forego their star wars laser swords and rifles, to instead use conventual museum rapiers.
Ghost in the shell puts particularly emphasis on the one member of the strike team who still carries a regular revolver.

So yes I see your point but it seems neither unusual or unbelievable to me at least😊👍.
I live in Ireland and if the rest of the world where to blow itself to nuclear bits, then a single gun from hundreds of years ago would suddenly seem quite powerful. We have only a small defence force and no means of constructing our own arms. It's far from the realm of believability 😎👍.

Ad Novum Initium

Chapter:3

Momentie

Novels

Gallery

Comments

Reviews

aaa