Jun 16, 2022
Aight, let's do this.
To begin with I like the vibe you're going for. The buccaneer aesthetic is one I'm particularly fond of and I feel anime does a rather bad job at exploring the busy life of piers, ports and stormalong harbours. Plus the whole 'new kid on the block' schtick seems to be the belle of the marketability ball, which is a good plus for salience.
The prose strikes me as very polished and it flows naturally enough that you never really feel like you need to take a break. For YA/LN purposes, I can only bring praises for that, especially since I'm reading this quite late in my day and I'm amenable to some breezy reads. If anything, you could (if you hadn't already) check Fuzzy's novels. I feel like you write in a very similar vein to him. :)
That being said, I can't really get behind this being a first chapter because... I don't really think it accomplishes much of what a first chapter should/could. Reading through this and the prologue should make a reader want to sign the mythical contract of continuation and I don't think I want to sign it because you haven't really sold me on the character, the setting, nor the narrative.
For Miieie, I know largely nothing about her. Her goals are not stated, not really hinted at or, if they were, you haven't managed to sell me on the required recontextualisation. Why would I read forward to find why someone with not much to go on in the 'discernible traits' department is so? I think we really don't get to know anything noteworthy about her from this opening: targets, what she values, what are some views of her, what are some defining principles in her life. These enormously humanising attributes really fail to come up and it makes Miieie just come across as this fill-in-the-blank, slightly quirky character for people to self-insert to.
As for the setting, I think the way you start by describing Rosenfel as contradicting her home of Skilma Harbour is genuinely very cool. It foreshadows a bit of change and how different the world she sees is from the world she's used to. However... for one, nitpicky as it might sound, you rely on this device a little too much for my taste, and for two, litotes start crumbling when used in quick succession. I think for a fantasy setting you tried very little to entice with anything sensory. Even if it's a rather sterile, near-damning and overbearing environment, the dichotomy between perceptions is more dissonant than it is significant. The vibes are all over the place for me to say this is an intentional inclusion, really.
As for the narrative, I think this chapter contributes very little to anything? We learn very little about anything of substance and very little happens too. The encounter between Endra and Miieie is the highlight, but it's used to just... rush them? I guess? With the lacking synopsis, the little clue of where this will be headed and the absence of anything tangible in terms of kicking the ball forward, why should I sign? Just because it reads well?
At any rate, I will continue reading this. Looks pretty interesting, even with the opinions I've held so far. Let's see where this goes.
Bubbles, out.
