Aug 04, 2021
Read it this morning. I think it's interesting. At the very least it's eye catching to someone who hasn't really read much isekai (me) because the premise is different from the others.
I like the necessarily slow progression of the plot in the sense. It feels very justified, and I enjoy the kind of machinations that spiral out of David's control in spite of trying to be very methodical and covert, leading to new developments in the plot. It all feels fairly natural and flows from one event to another. I also learn more and more about the world as the plot continues to progress which is nice; I feel like as the plot unravels so too does my knowledge of the world as opposed to things being dropped on me at once. Who are the major actors, what kind of monster/dark shadows lurk around, etc. etc. Along those same lines, I think narrating these actors, places, and monsters is pretty enjoyable to read too; I think a lot of your strength is from describing a lot of the land and the places, specifically cities, marketplaces, etc.
That being said, I think the dialogue and internal characterization could use some work. The characters themselves all have fairly well defined characterizations that kind of match with where they are and what role they play, but I think specifically what and how they say things could be improved. There are times where one of the generals kind of just drop an info dump on us, and they just kind of lose their own personal voice and become more of a mouthpiece for the narrative. Other times, outside of Mania saying something lecherous or suggestive, it's hard to really find a distinct voice between the three generals.
On top of that, things like them talking about needing to work together to avoid making mistakes is a talking point that gets repeated by them fairly constantly, but I always feel like it's kind of a rehash without any development every time it gets brought up. It's clear that at least one of the three maybe has subterfuge in mind, but these callbacks kind of become a bit rote and repetitive.
Finally on internal characterization, I think a lot of the internal psychology just doesn't read very compelling to me. I think this is the case with a lot of the characters from major ones like David/Rebecca and even to the way that Sylvan is talking to himself in the earlier chapter, there's just something to simple about all of their internal characters despite certain elements trying to pass it off as something a bit more complex. There's a lot to unpack about David's borderline paranoia for instance, but there's something off about how often David keeps talking to himself about needing to appear like a demonic leader. I think a lot of these passages where David is thinking don't necessarily need to be reiterated and it belabors these passages because they don't really add anything new to David's psychological development.
