Aug 12, 2021
I liked it. You have a natural flow to your writing.
Few things:
I wasn't sure at times when the character was speaking and when they were thinking.
Speech is usually written like this:
'Hello,' said John.
Thought is usually written like this:
Hello, said John.
The Hello should be in italics, but I can't make it work in the comments.
Since you're writing about guns, you need to at least have a rudimentary understanding of the various types. There were times where you were just saying gun, and I didn't know what you meant. Here are the various types. You can look up videos of them to get to know them:
Pistol, Revolver.
Double-Barrelled Shotgun, Combat Shotgun, Semi-Automatic Shotgun.
Automatic Shotgun.
Hunting Rifle, Assault Rifle, Battle Rifle, Designated Marksman Rifle,
Sniper Rifle, Anti-Materiel Rifle.
Submachine Gun, Light Machine Gun, Heavy Machine Gun.
Interesting that you've chosen Gun Gale Online as an inspiration. I'm not sure where you'd go with that beside the game becoming real. I feel there's potential in the protagonist running into the girl, so my instinct is telling me you're on the right track.
