Sep 12, 2021
Okay, time for final thoughts.
This is very much a story that feels disjointed. There are two definitive "halves" of the story, the slice of life half and the CIA adventure half.
This can be a good thing if executed properly, but I'm not entirely sure it was. Mainly, because the first half of the story wasn't very good. I had little interest in any of the cast, most of them infuriated me, and there seemed to be inconsistencies in characterization. I found it hard to believe that people would act the way they acted.
You mentioned this story was written backwards with end already imagined, and it reads that way. It felt very much like the initial chapters were "character says/does/acts like this because the story doesn't get to my intended ending if they don't." Why are people friends with Natsume, when he isn't at all displaying likable traits? Because they are. Why does Ayane fall for Akihiro, an emotionless machine at that point? Because she does. Why does Rumi do any of the things she does? I honestly have no idea.
Another thing I noted is that the fact that this takes place in 2090, the backstory, none of that is really relevant. You could tell me this took place in 2020 and I would believe it, the thing with the AIs never amounted to anything, it feels like there were a lot of plot points (sequel hooks?) that went nowhere.
I feel like the story really started to get interesting in the second half, when the CIA plot was fully brought in and explored. Those chapters were miles better than anything at the beginning, and it was when I really began to fly through the pages. Looking back on it, it really feels like I had to limp my way through a boring beginning to get to the good stuff, which isn't how you want a binary story like this to feel.
The plot itself is interesting and engaging, I just think that it could do with some polish; fleshing out the characters and their interactions in ways that they feel like real people can do that. The cast felt like real people in the second half; in the first half, they felt like plot devices. Akihiro is definitely the main source of this, because his personality has such a jarring shift; if the intention was for him to gradually begin opening up, that wasn't portrayed very well, and I think that's an area that can really do for some expansion on.
As for Natsume... I hate him. He took up way too much of the early plot, and nothing about him really ended up paying off. I feel like a ton of his backstory and actions can be scrapped without harming anything, and that would come with the added bonus of making him actually likable. I don't get the sense that he really "changed" so much as you stopped focusing on the things that made him insufferable. I was very pleased that he stopped mattering in the second half of the story pretty much, because whenever he got focus all he did was make me hate him.
All in all, I found the story interesting and engaging, even if I didn't really start liking the cast until the end (and even then, not Natsume). It does suffer from some flaws at the beginning, and I think that you can definitely adjust it to make it more engaging now that you aren't trying to connect Point A to Point B; you've gotten to the ending you want, now make the journey there a lot more fun for the reader (or at least this reader). Because the characterization is the only notable flaw (the prose got much more descriptive towards the end, which I liked) I think you've got something good on your hands.
Though I think Akihiro could have lived if he just went to the authorities from the beginning.
