Apr 11, 2022
Right am back, sorry for the fake-out comment - Was gonna just reply on my phone but its a pain to text on this site for whatever reason, pc is just easier😂😂.
Don't wanna give you a half-arsed answer, both cause I really like this short story and you asked - That said I've just spent 4 days straight doing an entire new draft from start to finish for one of my books so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit scatter-brained right now😅.
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Firstly, I like this version a whole lot better (Of course that's a subjective thing yada, yada) it feels far more in keeping with what came before it in the first eleven chapters.
That said opposite to the first epilogue, this one feels inconclusive.
Where last time it felt like a Wikipedia article of the character's lives, now it just sort of ends - Read straight through chapter 10, 11, 12 in one go - There ain't no flow, it builds to a conflict with-in our home-girl's mind & personality and then it just sort of ends, I guess🤔.
Let me try go a fraction deeper, what's the purpose of this story? I don't mean thematically, 'cause sure you got a few themes about found-family, revenge, memories and so on - But what is your actual aim here?
Your comments seem the most telling here (Please don't kill me 'Death of the Author' fans😂).
Not to go all phycologist up in here, but you mention a few times in our little exchanges that you both found yourself a little unenthused with Yelena and that you wanted to show off certain things.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that was partially comical but every joke has a small kernel of truth.
Wanting to show off parts of your worldbuilding is totally understandable, I'm still trying to think of ways to sneak the character of 'The Golem' into my books more - Thus far I have failed at this 😂😅.
And to your credit this new version hits a great balance, the reference to this death-god seems like it'll be a great call back once said God comes up in the main story but equally that's all it is now, a reference - In the original it was just way too much the focus of the epilogue, so good job I think you did yourself a favour with that change.
That said what's of interest here is the fact that you wanted to try get him in there.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it strikes me that quite simply you lost interest in this rapidly and that's why the first version of the epilogue featured such a great focus on Ghost-Dad, with Yelena almost being a compulsory side character.
I don't unfortunately feel like you entirely solved that issue here with the new version - It's certainly less jarring and more in keeping with what came before but still 'off'.
Your story opens with Yelena in the snow, her determination pushing her fragile body to make it up the final few steps to the home of her Father's legendary Sage friend, to fight off the frost and snow, to carry the weight and souls of all her fallen family and friends to their new final resting place - Your story ends with some ghosts having a chat about a mysterious Death-God with no name who's never-ever been mentioned before in the tale.
Who's your protagonist? How many stories change protagonist over to the narrator over the course of the narrative? How many do that well?
And why do it at all?
If the idea is this is the ghost-dads story of watching his daughter grow, then I just don't know to be honest😅 - It feels like your missing something integral to make that work, like it should end with a really emotional moment where he realises 'huh, she's safe now, living for herself - Mia? Mia is that you? But I can't go yet... no, No she'll be ok now, its time to go. Wait for me Mia' - Ya know something like that, like a father letting his daughter go.
It feels like the lore you have is tieing you down, that the way this world's afterlife works, is working against you not with you - That your locked into choosing one of many somewhat weird endings for ghost-dad (and Gothard keeps dieing in all routes to apparently lol), the lore feels restrictive to you if anything, preventing you from going where one would expect the narrative to go (that's if Ghost-dad was always intended to be the final focus).
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So to be clear, for me atleast the new ending definitely feels alot better and more suitably fitting to what you had - However it now feel inconclusive and ultimately I'm left wondering what the point was.
Hope something in there is useful, my heads fried from writing & editing lol😂😂
