Apr 10, 2022
I ah, ok๐
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Ah, er, ok...
Amma need to think about this one for a bit to get a proper feel for it but let's go with surface thoughts for a min.
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Would it be fair to say based on previous comments, that you kinda pushed this one to a rapid ending?
I genuinely don't want to be discouraging but it certainly feels a little forced.
If you've ever watched a TV show where at the end it has 'And miss.lucy went on to be a chiropractor, while John overdosed on drugs and died' - It has a bit of that to it.๐
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In a sense I'm struggling to grasp what your goal was here - On the one hand I like the ghost-narrator angle in principle however it sorts of gets really bleak at the end - Like the idea that in this world everyone becomes a ghost that gets hunted down by death ๐ถ๐ถ - Don't get me wrong that could definitely make for an interesting story but, that isn't this story right?
Like despite the heavy focus on the ghost, how he doesn't feel time and how he can't find his wife - No one in the text is like, afraid of this horrible sounding afterlife, no ones studying it or fearful of faith.
So by proxy its Yeleenna's story I guess but then again what is her story?
It's that of choosing to live quietly over revenge, and that part I think you did really well.
I really like her connections to the servents and Gothard, her progress is great - But then the timeskip feels like too much man.
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I think (and obviously this is just me) it would of made more sense to have chapter 11 and then chapter 12 would skip foward like a year, where we'd see a happier Yeleenna, still struggling but overall enjoying learning about magic and spending time in the garden with her dad finally fading away to rest with perhaps one final knowing nod from Gothard, and Mia calling for him in the distance.
As is the final chapter kinda feels depressing๐
, like Gothard died a crazy old coot, The dad never found Mia and then they all get eaten by an Eldrich-Horror Death-God๐
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So yea, genuinely really like the first 11 chapters, not so sure how to feel about the ending๐๐.
