Nov 11, 2021
I hesitate to sound harsh when I leave feedback on these as I can (atleast I think so) see what the point of most of your interactions are, with that said I'd really hope someone would do the same for me, so here's me being honest.
1. Again we're a decent number of chapters in and the exposition is killing me, most of the time it's delivered by internal monologue and generally speaking its superfluous in its length.
2. Following this you go about your characters backwards. Start with the police officer having read Mana's initial site report, so that she can immediately begin flicking Mana's forehead and such like. It's a small change but it would immediately characterise her as a motherly figure and the one in the parent role as it were.
As is, by the time you get to Mana and the officer being kind to one another, I've already lost interest as theirs paragraphs of the two talking like robots, it genuinely feels like the conversation between the player character and an NPC in RPG like the elder Scrolls games.
"Stupid Girl" and "Listen to me Girl" give this character an immidate voice in my head but by the time she says those more natural lines it's already a bit too late.
3. Finally we have the thing I mentioned in my previous set of comments where Mana comes off as almost phycopathic. I get that she's agitated in order to cover her shock but the swap between anger over her name's prouanoncation, straigth into full blown crying breakdown is really abrupt, espically when her narration makes it sound like it's someone else doing the crying.
First person is in my opinion harder then traditional third person narration.
If Mana breaks down crying, then the dialogue has to match for me to believe she's also the one telling the story.
If she is crying then her description of hugging the officer or her copious tears need to feel more emotional, rather then be statements of fact. The dialogue in general feels very rigid, the officer mentioning her parents in that fashion for example needs either complete rework or to be cut for its complete unnaturalness
Really sorry if I came across as harsh, but I hope it helps if only a little๐๐.
