Jul 06, 2022
I enjoyed the bantery character interactions, and the characters came off pretty distinctly. Furthermore, the mention of the War School and its mechanics of conscription for education were a neat way to justify and build up the scenario. That being said, I really feel that this chapter needed some more set dressing and character description spread throughout-
As it stands, it was mostly rapid-fire dialogue without breaks for body language or reiterating on a character's traits through their gestures (eg, what if "Aubrey shook her head, sending a clatter through the woven beads on her blond braids." We sort of only get a rapid description of Marissa and Aubrey before the dialogue keeps going, so I feel like reiterating on their traits might help amid the information density you're trying to convey. Otherwise, the dialogue is broken only sparsely by interaction with the environment of what seemed like an inescapable war, and most specifically only during the first scene with Shiera and Kori.
The concept of a human vs specter border skirmish is pretty neat, so I really want to see and feel more of this battlefield and to understand its terms of engagement. In the current draft, most of what we got was delivered almost entirely in Kori and Shiera's light-hearted banter, if that makes sense.
Ultimately, I'm still engaged with the concept, as the way you set up the magic school is pretty exciting. Your narration in the last chapter was quite strong so I foresee some cool imagery when we get to a calmer location.
