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Jun 21, 2023
There's a very nostalgic presence in the way you present the story that I like. I will say I think you lingered a bit too long on the expansive visual imagery, you had one prosaic passage and then shortly after another one about musicality and the symphonic texture of the wind. These are okay in isolation but can be overwhelming because personally I wanted to see more internal narration and characterization!
I enjoy the framing you use to introduce the narrative. Cool, casual cafe atmosphere to introduce us to your story. :)
I'm not gonna lie, the phrase troublesome gangster feels kind of wholesome for some reason in the way you delivered it. Makes Akari sound a lot less threatening than his reputation.
I enjoyed the way you wrote Stan getting chewed out, between the dialogue as well as the sort of fixation between light/dark.
If he's already missing his shots at practice, wait till he gets flustered by the girl at the actual game! x)
I love the astrology section. They are so perfectly nonsensical and I can absolutely see some diva witch using them to calculate the statistical probability of success.
At the very least I can appreciate how honest Yuta is with his preference for maids.
Curious to see how you investigate Haru's preferences versus Grace's appearance and personality. It seems he's not super convinced that he actual prefers a manic pixie dream girl and yet...there she is...
I'm waiting for the narrator to take over the conversation with "Ok, boomer."
I think you just took spawn camping to another level with this chapter.
To:kazesenken
I agree! I actually had a ton of difficulties with the first couple of lines. I'm not exactly sure how I want to fix it, but it's something for a final edit I think.
To:Ducky123
I didn't want to sacrifice the realism of a dinner for making sure everyone "understood" the world I was trying to build. I'm glad you liked it and weren't too thrown off by the conversation!
To:minatika
Yeah I'm really happy with how I've done Stefan and Vladimir. I wish I could give them more spotlight at times and hopefully I get that opportunity later in the story!
Jun 20, 2023
This entire chapter was really funny, but I think my favorite is definitely Jason's reaction to being called a content creator. Very fluid, the puns are well placed and don't overwhelm you, I'm really liking this!
A nice sort of world building chapter. I'll admit that when I read "we do love amphibian monsters" I had a little bit of a chuckle because that kind of speech is mostly reminiscent of how we speak contemporaneously here.
