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Kaisei

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registered at: May 28, 2023

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aaa

Jun 21, 2023

I like these diary entries, I think they have a lot of personality and gives the story a lot of interiority! The grandma just has a ton of spunk and it's a breath of fresh air.

My Grandma's Loving Maid Is My Classroom Neighbor?!

Chapter:4

Jun 21, 2023

I definitely wasn't expecting a rich life story through....twenty plus worlds! I do like that the narrator's sort of use of language has essentially been changed by the fantasy worlds they've come across and they've basically abandoned a lot of the language of Earth in the process.

The Youngest Court Mystic And the Mischievous Twin Princesses

Chapter:3

Jun 21, 2023

I like the flow of the ritual, I think it blended elements of the world and the actual narration nicely!

The Youngest Court Mystic And the Mischievous Twin Princesses

Chapter:2

Jun 21, 2023

Whoa lore dump. I think it's a bit heavy on the details here, but a lot of that can be solved by sort of intermingling the dialogue and narration that you place at the end of the chapter and mixing it with the worldbuilding so that it flows a bit more smoothly.

The Youngest Court Mystic And the Mischievous Twin Princesses

Chapter:1

Jun 21, 2023

I was a little skeptical with respect to the premise, but the worldbuilding and cadence of the narrative is pretty thoughtful and purposeful.

The Youngest Court Mystic And the Mischievous Twin Princesses

Chapter:0

Jun 21, 2023

I get that you're trying to differentiate the voices based on the chapter titles, but I think it would be best to sort of create a new kind of voice for Konya which would more easily allow us to recognize them!

Cursed Lines

Chapter:4

Jun 21, 2023

Things feel a bit disjointed, but I do like how you've written Alice, she has these eccentric notes about her that make her difficult to pin down.

Cursed Lines

Chapter:3

Jun 21, 2023

Two chapters in and Kiyoshi has fainted and gotten sick twice! Poor kid has no constitution. :(

Cursed Lines

Chapter:2

Jun 21, 2023

I definitely knew guys who had anxiety about not receiving any Valentine's day chocolates, and I think this overdramatization is a great interpretation of it!

Cursed Lines

Chapter:1

Jun 21, 2023

I like that you sort of devoted a lot of time in this chapter to strictly dialogue. That being said, I think your efforts are a little bit undercut by the fact that you describe so much action in the chapter. A lot of the sort of organic and interesting narrative play gets interrupted by reading what someone is doing rather than what I want, which is to read what they're saying!

To you, A Lei of Daisies

Chapter:4

Jun 21, 2023

I've definitely heard the age joke, but with 911 instead of jail.

I'm enjoying the way you characterize your narrator and others through the dialogue, there's a really nice flow and back and forth as Neil kind of reckons with his position in life versus those that are more or less flourishing around him.

To you, A Lei of Daisies

Chapter:3

Jun 21, 2023

Wow, that's brutal! Part of me definitely gets sort of Your Lie in April vibes from the story, but without the excessive melodrama and misplaced pretension. Interested to see where it goes from here.

To you, A Lei of Daisies

Chapter:2

Jun 21, 2023

The familiar Rachmaninoff is in c#-minor! An important distinction!!!

I like the sort of contrast in the tone, prose, and dialogue that you use to frame the narrative. You have the sort of weighty / lofty elegance of the performance and the more down to earth and grounded dialogue and feelings of the narrator after the end of it. Nicely done.

To you, A Lei of Daisies

Chapter:1

Jun 21, 2023

A nice convincing depiction of pretention, especially as like layers of dramatic irony placed atop one another.

Pigeon on a Power Line

Chapter:3

Jun 21, 2023

I liked the wistful nature of the narration, and the dialogue was snappy and realistic too. The jokes and friendliness between people was playful and fun.

Crystal Sky

Chapter:3

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