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chesarka

Anime and manga lover, voracious reader and aspiring writer who tends to get experimental with story format. Particularly likes bishonen, magical girls and niche subjects.

In regards to Honeyfeed, their stories have topped multiple genres' weekly and monthly rankings, with One Wish They Never Wanted topping the front page monthly ranking. Thank you to all the readers who have supported these stories.

registered at: Oct 07, 2016

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aaa

Aug 16, 2017

This reminds me of the moments in Boku no Hero Academia where Deku becomes engrossed in hero analysis and starts to mumble, although the reason that hasn't become its own plot becomes clear when a story is set around it - it could potentially become very annoying. While I wasn't particularly annoyed by Claus, what I'm trying to say is you need to be able to offset the inherent awkwardness of this plot with the right amount of humour, drama etc. to make it relatable. However, there's no set way to go about learning how to balance story elements...

Also, you haven't clearly distinguished speaking and thinking, aside from using the words "said" and "thought". For a story like this, it's important to find a way to do so (normally it would be italics, but there are no italics on Honeyfeed). I would have recommended you use single quotation marks for thought and double for speech or vice versa, but since that would confuse you, I'll leave it up to you to make up your own "thought marker". (You'd need to be consistent with the "thought marker", though, or else you'll confuse the reader too!)

The Overthinker

Chapter:1

Aug 16, 2017

Well...if anything, this definitely fits the "random" tag, so I'm not sure if my normal brand of feedback would work, haha. If you're going to make it gory, you could have made it more descriptive for extra shock factor, but since English isn't your first language, I won't pressure you too much.

Truth be told, pmf96, I still remember you, but that's 'cos I'm your Honeyfeed senpai, so to speak. (I think I read the first chapter of this story a while ago but I just don't know where and what to comment.) I'm glad you and Joel are back though.

Prior to July, there was no badge system, so what do you think about receiving the bronze badge? (I've seen people ask others about theirs and I figured it was time for me to ask the same question to someone.)

Phil's Lame Adventures

Chapter:4

Aug 05, 2017

First things first, "love comedy" is actually ラブコメ. Also, the kanji you use translates to "new warring state", which doesn't quite equal "new grand battle" (although I can't really provide a better translation). Before you ask me what authority I have to be correcting you, I've been learning Japanese for about 6 years, and ever since Jio decided to promote usage of the language in his "Parable", I've basically become the typo crusher for it around here. I'd much prefer to crush English typoes, but it seems I'm the only one who can correct Japanese here until further notice.

You have a typo in your synopsis ("...and agent"). Since I always read the synopsis first, it was a bit of a bad first impression. Also, I got confused as to whether Arnold was dreaming when he turned on the shower, so you might need a bit more clarity there. Furthermore, pointing out a dream is lucid is useless if that's not plot-relevant.

I agree with Chatley Herrera that you could express yourself using less words, because clarity should be prioritised more than atmosphere. (However, it seems you've nailed the atmosphere, which is great.) I also agree with their "I knew what thing about it" (sic) comment.

Jio's right about the "breaking up your text" stuff too. (I've tried Grammarly before and while I find it too fiddly, you'd definitely benefit from using it.)

New Grand Battle: Love Comedy 新戦国ロブコメ

Chapter:1

Aug 03, 2017

To:James K.

...uh, no worries then. It's just I was getting the vibe North High was more on the Western side rather than Japanese, so I had to confirm where it was. After all, you haven't mentioned shoe lockers, cleaning duty etc. etc. (plus if it were in actual Tokyo the most common form of transport would probably be the bullet train), so it's quite hard to remember this is meant to be set in Tokyo.

I Can Hear Your Thoughts, but it's not like I'm Telling You or Anything!

Chapter:6

Aug 03, 2017

To:LolipopSpaceCat

Leaving the description of characters up to the reader is risky, because then people will have different ideas of what the characters look like. It is possible to get by without describing them at all, but then the other aspects of your writing would have to be top notch (the lack of "show, don't tell" means you're not quite "top notch" yet).

Also, I examined your work a bit more closely only to find you have some errors that aren't grammar-related - the punctuation's a bit spotty (e.g. there are cases of both missing apostrophes and misplaced apostrophes), plus PIN in "PIN number" should be written in all caps. By the way, tense is part of grammar, but I stated the two separately in my previous comment because tense seems to be the most pervasive of your problems.

Sorrowful Love

Chapter:3

Aug 02, 2017

The change in format was for the better, plus that description of the sunlight with the dust particles and everything was actually really good.

Here's a question though: where is this story set, geographically speaking, or what is the closest real life location to the story's setting? The mention of the cherry tree makes me curious (although of course a cherry tree in the right conditions could be grown almost anywhere in the world), and I don't think you've mentioned it within the story so far.

I Can Hear Your Thoughts, but it's not like I'm Telling You or Anything!

Chapter:6

Aug 01, 2017

Small note before the feedback onslaught: Rika Suzuki is the name of a background character in Hataraku Maou-sama!, so I couldn't help but picture her as I read. I don't recall you describing anyone's appearance, anyway...

As mentioned by another commenter, you'll need to proofread - there's a small smattering of grammar/tense issues, but none of them really detract from the reading experience. You might need to break your writing up a bit more - there are certain rules about dialogue layout you can follow to make it clearer about when something is being said vs when something is being done.

I think what you need to bring your writing to another level is to focus on "show, don't tell" in those more emotional moments. It's much more powerful to read about tears falling down Rika's face rather than be told "Rika cried".

All in all, it's a pretty good effort for a first novel.

Sorrowful Love

Chapter:3

Aug 01, 2017

The concepts are unique, the dialogue is dynamic and it's random enough to allow for the 4th wall breaks, which are great. The punctuation's a bit funny though (e.g. "-chan" shouldn't be capitalised), and the formatting's a bit inconsistent in the second chapter. It's pretty full-on pacing-wise (especially where the all caps and rapid-fire dialogue become involved), which made me less receptive to the part where Trash-chan's backstory is revealed. Thank goodness for the indication "time seemed to slow to a crawl", or else I would've gotten lost.

It's a lot funnier at the beginning, when the reader's more willing to accept the full-bore pace of the story. You're using English puns in a story set in Japan, (supposedly) focussing on Japanese people, so that really breaks the suspension of disbelief, although artistic licence and all that probably means there shouldn't be any disbelief to suspend...right?

The Totally Terrific Trash-Chan!!

Chapter:3

Aug 01, 2017

When Rio's anticipating the nunchuk hooligan, there's an instance where you spell "hooligan" with 2 Hs at the start.

Parable of the Renegades [BETA Version]

Chapter:15

Aug 01, 2017

To:Gerry Hines

You really didn't miss out on much while you were gone since I've been mostly procrastinating on this story in your absence (also, I wrote a "One Wish They Never Wanted" spinoff in preparation for my first Honeyfeed anniversary - the work in question is "Idol Mind").

The brevity of the chapters, I think, was enforced while I was being tutored in creative writing as preparation for assessments. Word count doesn't really matter when the actual content is good though, so I don't think you need to worry about it.

There anything in particular I need to fix, or is it just same old same old? As I've mentioned to Trinity, my common called-out vices are description, clarity and pacing.

Half-Paid Heroes

Chapter:13

Jul 28, 2017

Again, there's some promise, but it could be improved. The "people believe nearly everything they're told" line has some promise if you elaborate on it, as that could work really well with the concept of espers and/or the psychological genre.

I think the main problem I had with this, aside from the spelling/grammar/description, is appropriate use of what is called a tautology (saying the same thing twice over using different words, e.g. "it's empty, there is nobody here"). Sometimes tautology can be used for stylistic effect, but your writing style and the things you use it for make it seem awkward.

(Also, is the title a homage to Chiyomaru Shikura of the semicolon works? Haven't seen any of their stuff bar one ep of Occultic;Nine, but it gives off that sort of vibe.)

Sunset;Daybreak [On hold]

Chapter:1

Jul 27, 2017

There's some promise to this - do you know Porter Robinson's "Shelter"? This reminded me of its music video somewhat. I get this is a oneshot, and you've nailed the open ending, but while I was reading, I had a vague feeling this was the opening chapter for something bigger.

As you mention in the synopsis, yes, you're going to need to proofread. (Thank Lady Luck I always read the synopsis first, or else I would've come down on you like a tonne of bricks - I'm in Jio's camp of being a grammar stickler.) Your mistakes are less distracting than some of the other writers on this site though (which is a compliment, as I've read quite a few Honeyfeed stories).

I feel like you need some work on your description, because I think I was meant to marvel at the sunrise along with the girl...and I didn't, because the descriptions for the girl's clothes and the sunrise were missing. Also, the dialogue's a bit stilted, which could be attributed to the writer or the time period this is set in - if it was a conscious decision, I applaud you.

I checked your profile picture using Chrome's "Search Google for image" and, according to hits on the large images, your profile pic is by "deadcalm" on DeviantArt.

Humanity's Outcome

Chapter:1

Jul 26, 2017

To:Deleted User

I intended for people to be able to "go in cold" and still understand it once the entire thing is posted, so hopefully regardless of whether you've read "One Wish..." "Idol Mind" should still make sense.

I started on Honeyfeed a few days before Halloween 2016 according to "White Parasite" (my first story on Honeyfeed). I'm just being extremely early so I can time the climax to October.

I wrote the entire thing before unveiling it (and kept it short) so that I could guarantee an ending, because I run entirely on motivation...therefore I have many works I've started, then left unfinished...

Idol Mind

Chapter:1

Jul 25, 2017

To:Deleted User

I had a lot of emphasis on description in this chapter and I'm often told my description is lacking, so to have someone I respect (in regards to description) praise me on it is really something. I'm honoured you'd use my writing as a reference.

I read over this chapter again and all the necessary details, bar some small bits in the next chapter, should be here (you might need to read the chapter again). I was missing a description of Amelie in this chapter and the next chapter though, so thanks a lot. (Normally I don't write an entire piece before gauging others' interest in it, but this one I did.)

Since I intended for this to be a celebratory work for my first year on Honeyfeed, one chapter will be released each month until I've released it all. The next chapter will thus be posted in about 3 weeks (sorry). Due to the nature of this story as a spinoff, it's a lot shorter than "One Wish They Never Wanted" (the original work), but if you read both the original and the spinoff you'll get a better perspective on most characters. If anything about Quartz, Kris or Amelie isn't making sense, you might want to consult "One Wish...", although most of the carried-over characters are shown in slightly different lights in "Idol Mind".

Idol Mind

Chapter:1

Jul 23, 2017

I was actually kinda surprised that I only got bronze when the badges came out, but then I sometimes read stories and forget to like/comment because I'm not logged in...Then again, it's quite hard to win a like from me (and I specifically chose not to give my likes to those I saw as rivals, back when likes dictated rankings), but now I think you've earnt one. By the by, "iro" is a noun so Rio's assassin name would be "ruri'iro no sakura".

Parable of the Renegades [BETA Version]

Chapter:14