Jun 22, 2017
To:James K.
I don't think readers will want to slog through such a long intro, because I had to almost force myself to read up until "Insert Command" due to the molasses pacing and after that, I had to stop. (I'm not a "this work will get better" person, plus it was late when I typed that long comment.) I was taught to make an impact from the 1st word and work backwards if the need arises, which should explain a lot of my reasoning. On that note, if you make enough allowances for scenes that explain character backstory, then you can be rid of the "characters" chapter entirely.
I didn't interpret Yuusuke to be a 3rd wheel - this is from a 1st person perspective, after all. While I can't figure out what gave you that idea, normally a protag in Yuusuke's situation is meant to be likeable/relatable. All protags are, to some extent. As of this comment, I've only seen the first ep of KonoSuba (which is the closest match to what you're aiming for and Yuusuke mentions it, so by writing a parody of it and its ilk, I assume you're a fan) but even though Kazuma is deplorable, he still has some element of tenacity that makes him relatable. I think Yuusuke hasn't demonstrated anything that gives a reason for the reader to be around (aside from attributes which kick in later, but as I said, I didn't stick around long enough for them). The banter isn't funny because I see the sisters as flat characters, regardless of how many conversations they're in.
Sometimes I just punch characters' names into Google for no reason aside from checking whether it'll bring up characters from other media. It seems paranoid at times, but it does pay off when you have a name people are unlikely to reuse.
I'm not an expert on character interactions, as I'm quite minimal on them myself (even though I know they're necessary)...However, from experience, I can tell the first few chapters aren't quite a first effort at writing, but they're still somewhat "raw". As I said earlier, I got so frustrated at the pacing I don't think I can read any more, but good luck with your stories too.
