Jun 21, 2020
Uff...
That was something.
I felt quite like Helene at the end of that chapter. You just don't expect that length when thinking of a web novel chapter, though I kinda understand why it's as long as it is while not understanding, either.
Lemme explain.
There are a lot of themes in this chapter that encourage the word count. For one, there's the sense of a whole day passing with all kinds of customers coming to her stall, then there's the 'waiting for Eleanor' thing, which actually works because the reader feels like he waited for a long time, even though the reader was - obviously - reading.
My problems with this are mainly formatting-oriented.
Instead of putting out huge blocks of scary text, how about splitting it up after moving on from one topic?
There was one paragraph that took up my whole laptop screen and went on beyond that.
It consisted of Helene's thoughts, worldbuilding, explanations, necessary info-dumps, and much more... why not start a new paragraph for each of that?
I would even go so far as to start a new paragraph for each thought Helene pursues, and then pack the punchline in an extra line to emphasize its importance.
Then I feel like this could have been split into two chapters... though I can't exactly explain that one.
It just feels like getting to know the adolescent Helen and her problems, her workplace, the world, the city, its people, and the past all at once overloads my brain, though I can only speak for myself here.
Reading it as I did, my suggestion would be splitting the much-needed info up. There's a limit to information-processing in the brain, after all.
All this technicality aside, though, there's an analysis to make.
We follow Helen from the moment she wakes up.
While this does give us a clear picture of what changed and - quite frankly - confused the hell out of me, it did its job.
I was intrigued.
I just can't help but think about the subtle unease setting in when we jump from those two adorable children reading a book to a busy marketplace, then deal with her thoughts and rude customers, perhaps.
Her mind and thoughts are very interesting, but mainly because of what happened to her.
Then comes the dreaded info dump.
It's some huge paragraphs long and sets us up to date. Unless this story keeps jumping between timelines, this much is unneeded.
If you keep it, at least make more paragraphs.
My reasoning is above.
We also get a detailed description of everything, and I repeat, everything she does that morning.
This really makes me think that cutting all that out and starting with the marketplace, leaving her mornings and conflicted thoughts to a later chapter might have been the better choice.
For what its worth, I had trouble keeping up with those walls of text at first.
That is when it gets interesting, though.
We have her - very interesting - story with John.
It sets a solemn tone as it deals with his illness and change.
While that, too, is part of her morning routine, I see this part of the chapter as a thing in itself.
We also get introduced to Uncle Ian shortly thereafter, and he's a kind mentor figure after the sensei was brought down by an illness.
Yes, I just called John a sensei.
It gives the reader a sense of calm before the storm that is dealing with people...
Like seriously, props to her for doing that.
During the three encounters of woman & child, the rude bastard and the nice guy, we get glimpses of the status of a woman in society in that universe, which basically started when she compared her own sales to those of her neighbors, but here it turns dark.
Or dim.
It's not that bad aside from the bastard.
This also reveals more of her thoughts and character, which turns it into one of the most important character moments of this chapter.
Then comes the bursting hope of seeing Eleanor again, when she runs and overexerts herself, leaving everything behind just to see her childhood friend...
I also want to see them together again, but while that fox-fairy-tale still hasn't left my mind, I believe that there are many more hindrances in their way before we get any kind of closure on that.
After this, I know that I need to set an hour aside for each chapter plus review, so expect to see me back when a new chapter drops.
Keep writing!
