Gerry Hines / Comments

Gerry Hines

I write original English light novels, YA, NA, contemporary fantasy, and sci-fi. Most of my work is heavily influenced by anime, manga, and Japanese storytelling.

registered at: Mar 08, 2017

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Sep 09, 2017

This was an intense scene. However, the part that really shined was when Rain encountered Flare. It was almost like time stood still for that brief moment when she recognized him, but he didn't care or notice ... very nice! This was pretty emotional!

Just a heads up, I might've found a possible typo. The part that says, "The sword itself, black as darkened obelisk". You probably meant "obsidian", as an obelisk is a type of architectural structure. :)

Anyway, this is a good story so far! I like it.

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:4

Sep 09, 2017

It's good to see the Rathnorians' side of things, as it expands the world of the story quite nicely. From what I've gathered, there's a rather significantly-sized world you're building here!

The only thing I would change is the transition from Flaros's name to Flare. Although I saw it coming, it was a bit awkward without any other reason for the name switch in the narrative. It's a very minor nuance, if it's even a nuance at all. Other than that, I smell a promising story here!

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:3

Sep 09, 2017

This chapter made me chuckle out loud a few times, so there's no hiding the entertainment I received from it! Your descriptions of the characters' actions really make me visualize a goofy anime, which makes this story so fun for me. I enjoy student councils in anime for some reason.

The character interactions are nice and create much of the entertainment in this chapter. Karasuma-chan continues to gleam with adorableness. And Akiya-senpai ... the cool beauty with a cute side. XD

Also, reading the earlier comments, I get a better picture of Jin-kun when thinking of Kitamura and Takajou. Toradora is one of my favorite anime rom-coms, and DARE I say I liked Charlotte more than Angel Beats.

At any rate, it's good to see you return after the "Hiatus Season". It seemed like August was a busy month for almost everyone, and I'm glad that everyone I'm following on here is getting their footing again!

I Can Hear Your Thoughts, but it's not like I'm Telling You or Anything!

Chapter:8

Sep 06, 2017

To:Talespirit

Okay, thanks for the info. I'll have to play around on the website, and I'm sure something awesome will come from it! :)

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:1

Sep 03, 2017

To:Talespirit

I checked out the link for the artwork. It looks really awesome, and adds a whole new dimension to the story! I've been looking for an illustrator for my light novel, and Deviant Art seems to be the way to go. But I'm not very familiar with the site, as far as actually using it for more than looking at anime pics. How do I request commission work? Make an account and message an artist?

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:1

Sep 03, 2017

To:JoelBedulla

No problem, it was fun to read! I've been reading (and writing) so many text-heavy things lately, and this was like a breath of fresh air. If you manage to find any free time during school, I hope to see something else from you on here! :D

The Overthinker

Chapter:4

Sep 03, 2017

To:JoelBedulla

Oh, I get what you mean. I noticed that the other characters didn't really have names. If the brevity and lack of description is your desired style, by all means then go for it!

The Overthinker

Chapter:2

Sep 03, 2017

To:JoelBedulla

Ha! No way did I guess correctly! Watamote was entertaining, but it was a bit much after a while. Tomoko was a strange girl ....

The Overthinker

Chapter:1

Sep 03, 2017

I really like your descriptions, and I'm intrigued by the rich history and backstory you've created. However, I feel like it's a lot of history and world-building to take in all at once, so I'd recommend a slower trickle of this information (although I'm sometimes guilty of providing info dumps). Other than that, I think this is rather well-written!

Also, your characters' names are freakin' awesome! "Captain Commander Solarus Phoenixdawn" is probably one of the most epic title/names I've come across. Most of my stories take place in the "real" world, being urban fantasy, so I don't usually have the pleasure of assigning such marvelous names, although giving names is one of my favorite parts of the writing process.

Keep up the good writing!

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:2

Sep 03, 2017

This is good, and it shows potential. The history of the Realms was interesting, and I'm curious about Rain's and Flare's friendship. Your descriptions make it easy to follow along and visualize the story. I like it so far, and I've added it to my library!

Realms of Destiny

Chapter:1

Sep 03, 2017

This was a fun, quick read. And is it really the end? I know you said it was a short novel ....

The Overthinker

Chapter:4

Sep 03, 2017

Brushing your teeth with soap ... ain't nobody got time for dat!

The Overthinker

Chapter:3

Sep 03, 2017

I'd suggest giving a little more detail about the environment and places Claus goes, such as his home and the market. However, too much description would make the story move slower, and I kinda like the fast pace of this story (it feels like a 4-koma manga). Try adding a couple details, like other things that make Claus feel poor. Is his home dirty? Messy? Or just lacking furniture? Or is it really all just in his head??? :P

The Overthinker

Chapter:2

Sep 03, 2017

It seems Claus is a thought-ranting, anxious individual ... which is probably what you were aiming for! I found some of his rants to be funny, especially the part about the barber using the toilet. :)

There are grammar issues in this story, and while it doesn't make it unreadable, it makes it a little awkward (and probably not in the way you intend). As chesarka mentioned, you need a consistent method of differentiating between the spoken dialogue and thoughts. In Honeyfeed, I typically use 'single quotations' for thoughts and "double quotations" for speech. Whichever method you choose, it'll be important, because I'm assuming this story will have a lot of thought dialogue.

Anyway, I think this will be entertaining. It reminds me of Kuroki Tomoko from Watamote ... but not as deranged ... yet. XD

The Overthinker

Chapter:1

Sep 03, 2017

To:Jio Kurenai

Happy Tree Friends. If there was ever an epitome of agonizing situations, that would be it! And I can only imagine what Soren Faust's knowledge could entail. I really look forward to more!

Parable of the Renegades [BETA Version]

Chapter:16

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