Feb 17, 2022
Yay I caught up!😊
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Overall I think you have a really interesting story here but one with faults.
(keeping in mind that everything I say is only my own opinion 😊👍).
The story has started to gain some depth which is great!
However it took it's time, I've been reading 4-6 of these a days and it wasn't really till Neve's chapter that I was really convinced anything deeper was occuring.
Now some might be totally cool with that, for me I think it's too long without something.
Theres hints sure and I get why it's positioned where it is but maybe have a bigger Hiro pov chapter or something?
Honestly not sure entirely but ya it takes its time to show your true colours.
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Descriptions!.... Are non-existent 😂😅.
Ok to be fair you actually describe things quite well but only ever once.
At this point all I know is Neve has red hair and Hiro is on the cover.
I genuinely have no idea what Bell or his two apparenments look like at all.
I'm not saying you should add anything massive but what I find helps is just to periodically mention a character trait and then let the audience fill in the blanks;
['Neve no bite', she pouted as she sat back into the couch, her red hair swinging behind her.]
Not a great example but you get what I mean.
Same with rooms, you just don't mention things more then once or at all.
Now I understand the minimalist style for story like this but I definitely think more descriptions would be for the best😊👍.
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Finally your ploting is a bit loose.
Chapters are short which I like but really every two chapters should be 1 ep as it were.
Alot of stuff is vague, the passage of time is unclear, etc.
These complaints will matter less or more depending on the reader😊.
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All that said however, your prose is wonderful - Your first person perspectives are greatly done and theres a nice sense of fun and wholesomeness 😁.
All said this is an enjoyable read and you should be proud of it - I'll be looking forward to more😊😎.
