Feb 23, 2022
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Now then, usually I'd put a review here of the whole book but damn this one's a doozy - At 62 chapters, of which I've commented on atleast 40+, It'd be foolish to try repeat all that here and Honeyfeed doesn't have a review tab.
As such I'll go for a summary of everything I can remember bringing up over this journey - If I have time I might write a proper full blown review and upload it somewhere I guess?(As I reread this before pressing 'post' I realise I have essentially written a full review here lol).
1. Setting - The setting of this story is a weak-point, sure the taint and mailability of humans with-in fantasy worlds, is interesting but worldbuilding is poor.
For example animals are by my count seen 4 times (The donkey in, like chapter 3(?), the chickens at the mart where Anthryom buys employment contracts, the army horses, and finally a very specific dog in the epilogue) - There's no cows grazing fields, no cats on Inn-rooftops, no sheep farming to support smaller settlements - No nothing unless you count kobolds.
This expands to everything. I get that you wanted the world to be a generic Fantasy world but I think you do those a disservice.
Even in the worst and most generic isekai shows, we get to see the architecture of towns, learn about how the rivers are important, or what commerce passes through.
'Smartphone Isekai' and 'Legend of Ragnarok' are two of the worst - And even they still manage to show me what culture looks like.
The towns in this book are just 'Fantasy'. Ironheart fortress has some talls walls, Sunshore town has a beech. That's it......
Then there's the logistics of your worldbuilding. You can go back a few chapters to read my full thoughts but the big battle in the final is the perfect example - You have no sense of scale.
Ironheart's army is a grand total of 1000 big despite being the only army we know of the kingdom having.
And you constantly frame the Toal expeditionary rescue force, as being the entire Toal army - Which makes it seem like Toal has 24 soilders, and a number of researches - That's not an army, its a social club.
I could go on (Alot) but overall it just feels like you did very little to flesh out this world, either the fantasy part or the Toal part.
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2. Things I've explained fully in prior comments;
- This is framed as a deconstruction but it 100% isn't even a parody - It's just an isekai novel that makes observations on the genre, while doing nothing with those observations.
-Ranks:
just goggle basic terminology like 'Sargent' or 'Army-Company' ffs, as is it makes you look lazy as an author for misappropriating words๐
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-Topography:
The area between ironheart fortress and the demon lord's castle is the best example of this. It honestly sounds like the grand canyon down there?! Read prior comments for more on that๐
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- Lack of pay off:
Neithra's resisting the taint being completely pointless is an example of this. Or Regul literally not appearing in the last 7-8 chapters for no reason?!
Or the fact that the whole Toal arc is borderline pointless.
Or the way everyone survives the attack on base-camp by the fatewatcher.
Or the council just being Anthyrom's old pals.
Or Anthyroms rampant murder of people never getting mentioned/resolved.
Or the fact the morality of killing kobolds is mentioned but again never explored or resolved.
Or the-- Well you get the point.....
-Lack of detail for attention;
The fact that you clearly didn't keep track of time passing, which absolutely fucked the immersion (for me atleast).
The aforementioned lack of animals or artitecture to help make this place feel alive.
Your weird decision not to kill Annabelle in order to avoid the 'Burying your gays troop', while far more disastrously falling into the, 'Only gays in the village fall in love at first sight' troop - All leading to ruining what was almost your very best chapter.
Anthyrom's phone surviving what his clothes and super-duper mega armour do not.
Etc Etc.
-No stakes;
No one ever dies, no one is ever injured and Toal can magically heal people who have had, There Moda-Trucking Throasts Ripped Violently Open.
Anthroym doesn't even get a black eye for his supposed character developing 'sacrifice' at the end of the Fatewatcher confrontation.
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3. Theming;
I mentioned this one recently two or three comments back so I'll be brief.
Your book has some nice themes and subtext, primarily surrounding Anthryom but alot of it gets muddied or undercut by bad plotting.
Tommy's arc of eventually becoming a man who respects those around him as equals - Is utterly kneecapped by his hero moment being two lines long and consisting of him running around uselessly like a headless-chicken
Anthryom's arc of coming to help people is by far the best - I like how he eventually faces Sae and how even after that he still has to learn to finally trust Neithra - That was by far the books best achievement - Nice job on this account๐๐.
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4. Characters;
What characters?
Job done..... Alright fine.....
There are sort of characters in this book I guess? Anthroy weirdly frequently labelled as, 'half-Asian' man, is a pretty solid character - He feels somewhat believable.
Neithra is nice - Annabelle is ok.
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The fatewatchers are all incredibly bland villains, the goddess feels like an insult to the readers with how drab she is - And 90% of Toal spend there time just spreading dull, lifeless exposition.
Then there's Tommy!
Tommy is a great idea, poorly excuted.
I love the idea that at his core he's just some 90's country kid who never got to grow up - Except that's all he is - He shows maybe two or three small moments of something deeper and nothing else.
Let me explain - Asuka from Eva is a good example - Deep down she simply wants her mom to hug her right? Nothing more, nothing less.
But there are layers more than that to her - She initially seems Tsundere, arrogant, bitchy even, and very much so loud-mouthed.
Get a layer deeper and you see she's got very deep insecurities, that she seeks approval of others.
Another layer down and you realise she's a girl in the midst of a harsh puberty who lusts after older men in order to prove her own maturity.
And then finally you get to her core of being a little girl who just wants her mom to love her back.
Tommy, well, he's immature, talks like a child, has childish ideals, childish handling of women, complete lack of social awareness etc.
The core of him being some kid who never grew up - Is also his second and third and fourth outer layers.
He is completely One Note - As are most of the cast, except for Anthryom and Cessena.
Tommy does not act like a 30 something year old man, in the body of a 20 something - Who at heart is just a kid. Which is such a shame because that's an awesome character premise - Go like, watch/rewatch Modaka magica or Eva or something๐๐คฃ.
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5.Conclusion;
Damn this got pretty long lol - Que '"After All"' boys, were at the end.
I've been harsh alot with this, no doubt.
Bluntly this novel is rough, its characters made from cardboard on a rainy day - The prose is good but unremarkable, the story has heaps upon heaps of promise but does nothing but act as a masiveeeee prologue for something else(?).
It's as though you can't decide whether this is a comedy adventure, a serious deconstruction, or a light-hearted sci-fi parody romp.
I honestly think you have so much potential here and I'd love to see future drafts of this.
One's with proper worldbuilding, segmented into better arcs or volumes(The TOAL arc in particular relegated to being a spin off bit or something, its so pointless and long๐
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Genuinely it makes me excited, it makes me want to write my own isekai deconstruction - And I can't say that about alot of novels.
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And so while this is riddled with game-breaking issues - I definitely had fun with it - You have a great mind for ideas and a wonderful sense of levity/humour.
Dunno if or when I'll get to your other book but I hope to witness you growing and improving with time.
Best of luck my friend,
- Momentie.
