Feb 09, 2022
I was nice on the last comment which is good, cause now Amma be a whiny bitch again, sorry in advance😅😅.
Once more we have wierd ranks.
Companies aren't small and defo ain't commanded by NCOs like Sargent's....becuase Sargent's are NCOs - They are not officers, they do not lead things in this sense. Like ya they Tottally do all the real work on the battlefield (ala stories like halo) but they don't command stuff on paper, they rank lower then middle management - If Major is your regional officer head, then Sargent is the guy who manages delivers into the warehouse, lays mouse traps and takes out the bins - Ya get me?
Simple solution, call it a 'fireteam' or a 'unit' or a name of your own devising that might actually be believably under a Sargent's
or NCOs control.
See why this matters as more then a nitpick is the prevalence of the military in this book.
You got the world's native militrys (ergo this and the last chapter) but also the huge TOAL aspect.
Yet as a reader it feels like you didn't even put a seconds thought into your ranks and organisational ya know?
When Toal is such a big part, then your world building is damaged by just how shallow they are.
Iceberg effect - No one expects you to know military law off by heart, however if they'res going to be frequent focus on various militarys, medieval and futuristic - Them you should do a quick goggle search.
'What is a military company?' - Bomb five seconds and you improve your world-building, remove a nick pick and prevent anyone who actually knows what it means, from having their immersion shattered.
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And we have another case of completely pointless scences.
Two chapters ago you set up the issue of crossing no man's land.
Last chapter we make plan and insert into the local army.
This chapter, we get fuck all detail and by all accounts it seems like our duo just kinda walk for a lil bit?
Like where's the framing man? Honestly the chapter makes it sound like the sewers were a five minute march away.
But even if they weren't it's a pointless scene.
I learn nothing about the duo, other then Neithra countinueing to be more devious when talking to the secatary last chapter - That's it, what other purpose does any of this this serve?
You'd be much better off just having rugul tell them the plan and then cut to the sewer entrance.
I guess you could also do a really cool atmosphere piece about them crossing no man's land - Or have it be a few days of hiking with the army, getting to know them etc, only for them to get brutally wiped out in a sudden ending battle, raising the steaks and threat level of the enemy and finally giving us some named causalities.
Shed yourself of the filler fat!!
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Lol, sorry if any of that was harsh but these small issues keep coming up again and again, so it feels important to address 😊😊👍👍.
