Feb 12, 2022
Ok well maybe a few notes but I'll refrain from reiterating the military stuff from my other previous comments😂😂.
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So few large issues stem from a complete and utter lack of descriptions.
What are our army wearing? Are they mostly young, old, a mix? Male or Female or every gender?
What's the terrain?
This one's important as what were given makes it sound like you have:
ironheart fortress - A massive valley - Darklord castle.
You don't describe the topography at all - Is it plains, desserts, rocky outcrops?
Why is there a sizable valley exactly?
How does the cavilry deal with this clearly steep incline?
(horses with heavyily armoured men, ain't so good at climbing up hills).
Then we have the archers.
They are simply '"in the back"' - Am I to believe they are litterally standing behind the main force? What are they doing, aiming into the air blindly? I mean archers can do that but it's a lot more complicated then that😅.
Also these are presumably military grade long bow archers, there range will be miles, so the line on 'being out of range' is either wrong or the valley is incredibly wide😂😂.
Why are there no siege machines? Is that a lore relevant thing, like the terrain is too unsuitable or has the taint prevented their very invention?
So many obvious questions, so much broken immersion😅😅.
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.....Grrrrr why do you use 'Sargent's' as tho it were a placeholder term for 'officers'.
When have you ever heard of a 'Calvary Sargent in command' man?
'Cavalry Officers', that's what there always called in books and movies becuase generally cavalry comes from posh kids with money for....well a horse.
Sargents are litterally in no culture ever, officers.
Heck think of the police, Sargent is the rank below inspector.
Oh wait, damn, I said I wouldn't complain about the rank again😅, my bad 😂.
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Ummmm so yaaaaaaa. I still quiet liked this chapter but your lack of knowledge of basic military principals does show to an almost embarrassing degree (Thing like archers, the incredibly small army and 'Sargent' as a catchall term - Aren't even things you need to be a military nerd to know, their borderline common sense😅)
- And more importantly your writing slips a bit in general - Not describing appearences or the envoirment or even what the front of the enemy castle looks like, is all just basic writing fails.
Most of all I have one question above all else - Are we just meant to presume the enemy force is human?
I honestly though only the dark lords spy's were human... becuase they're spy's/infliteators/assassins.
I thought his forces would be koblads or orcs or lizard people(like the fake general) or a combination of races but to be honest, this chapter is so vague I honestly ammn't sure theres anything to indicate the enemy race or appearence, at all😅.
Hopefully the spy master confrontation/battle will play more to your writing strengths - looking forward to reading it😊👍.
