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A self-published author of "The Guardian of Hope."
Drafts available, up until Chapter 28~ Links below for the paperback and ebook~
Follow me on IG: erii1776 Find me on Discord: Erii#5151
What is an Achievement?
Mar 22, 2021
You could've told the same story with less words while encapsulating the same emotions. It felt very rambly throughout, even accounting the main character's mental state.
Also for the sake of the reader, there needs to be breaks in between the chunks of writing. Typically there is a bookmark feature they can use within posted stories. It would be chore to read the whole chapter and losing track of what you've read.
Otherwise, I'll keep reading.
To:Ilham 12
No need to apologize! Writing is like anything that we do. We fine tune our efforts over time. You should've read my earlier work it was... Bad. Please don't be discouraged! Ita often our critiques that help us see what others don't... If they're good faith that is!
Not bad. Some parts in the beginning were sorta wordy. Enjoyable nonetheless!
Mar 21, 2021
Reading this particular story with a critical eye, there were some jarring inconsistencies with tone and story. It didn't feel very "realistic" reading everything. I felt it this story in particular didn't have a "form" since it felt all over the place. The dialogue was very unnatural. I suggest when you write what they say, say it out loud and assess whether it sounds natural. It goes without saying we should express ourselves through our writing, but as all things, you should refine them.
As writers we do tell ourselves a story but then we must take a step back to tell a story to the reader.
Mar 15, 2021
To:Ehanso
Yeah! About the name... There's a funny story to that! I'm glad the flow went well since that's bit of a blindspot for me! ^^
Mar 14, 2021
Most would've killed them indeed. She's quite a paradoxical character in terms of her morals and outlook. But generally, she is chill AF. ^^
I hope I can flesh out the context in the final edit. The scene is all about lingering emotions, so I'd understand why it feels so abrupt, especially since we know little of the wanderer. But, I'm glad you enjoyed! ^^
Mar 13, 2021
To:Ana Fowl
It was a very last minute decision actually. I'm glad you enjoyed it! ^^
Oct 02, 2020
That conversation between Ryouta and Futaba really struck close to home. I was looming forward to an update. I'm glad I wasn't disappointed! ^^
Sep 27, 2020
The surreal narration really drew me in like "Shadow of the Wind." I'm curious to see where it goes. ^^
Sep 13, 2020
Seraphine is a real stand-up character. xD I liked the interacions on the bus, it was humorous. ^^
That way of describing love felt close to home for some reason. I thought the feelings were perfectly executed and clear. But, there s one caveat, which would be descriptions. You could still shorten descriptions while maintaining the same impact. I cite the first paragraph as an example. While beautiful and detailed, eliminating a few redundancies would help the reader read the passage either.
Either way, this chapter was pretty nice. ^^
Sep 11, 2020
Wow, this is an interesting start to something new! There's a particular air of mystery about this story. ^^
Sep 04, 2020
Setting up expectations as always Qi! Can't wait for the next chapter! ^^
Aug 31, 2020
Great prologue! Indeed the writing lent an air of mystery, drawing me in a little further into the character's mind! ^^
