Aug 01, 2021
In the beginning, I thought you were describing Las Vegas. xD
Now...
As far as the story goes, better word choices would've helped for a better visual. While you used the right words, some have slightly different effects Like "smiled in an evil fashion," could've been "grinned" or "smiled devilishly." Character descriptions could be a bit more concise as well, like the ominous, cloaked woman by the (bars?) entrance?
With that said, I didn't get much of a feel when it came to the environment, which unfortunate, enough detail was put in everything that happens during Zanial's... questionable... actions, but had it not been for that we wouldn't have what happened toward the ends. The dialogue reveals itself to be waffly. While some lines are delivered decently, some kinda felt amiss. Kala and Zanial's likely partnership seems to hold promise, although I'm yet to get a feel about the main character. Thus far, he feels like a participant rather than someone with his own story. I can elaborate on that if you'd like.
Otherwise, it certainly has picked up quite a bit. Keep on chuggin', champ!
