Mar 16, 2022
To:unknownking
Neat.
I went back through the chapters and I have to say the dialogue was much better. Brian, Luz, and Alfred's characters are all more defined, and we've got descriptors! Although the dialogue could use a bit of improvement, that's true of everything.
Brian's character still confuses me though. At times he seems carefree, yet oddly strict. At others he likes to play the villain, complete with an evil goatee, but then turns around and plays the hero. A very strange person indeed. And let me be clear, conflicting personality traits are not a bad thing. They can actually work really well and reveal a lot about the character, but they can also be off putting. As of right now, I think he works just fine. I'm curious to see what you do with him.
Also. Please... Please never do an 'ecchi' shower scene between two teenage boys. Although a regular shower scene could be quite useful. You could show how this generally medieval society has used magic to modernize themselves as well as send Luz through an emotional moment and maybe reveal a bit more about Brian through Lewis.
At least if it plays out exactly how I imagine it would. Of course there are endless possibilities for a shower scene. I just hope none of them turn ecchi.
*Shutters in fear*
