Jul 18, 2021
Hey, I'm liking what I'm reading so far! The world you're setting up draws you in, even if nothing has really happened yet. All the characters you've introduced seemed interesting as well. I can see that some of them clearly have stuff planned for them and that it looks to be well thought out so far. There's a ton of stuff I like about this.
There are a few issues, but things that are totally fixable. First off is the length. This chapter is looooong. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but readers can be really fickle, and get bored really easily. That's not something you necessarily have to change though, it's just more my personal opinion. Another thing is the diction, especially of the main protagonist. He seemed to talk incredibly formally, especially in his head. If this was on purpose (Witch I'm half suspecting it is) then you did a great job of it. Another thing is the pure amount of info thrown at you. This is something that I can mess up as well. You throw a ton of worldbuilding and description into the prose; soo much that a lot of it gets lost in the jumble of info. It's the same for the characters. The characters all seem interesting, but the sheer quantity of them makes them all get lost. If you planning to reintroduce them in later chapters, then this isn't an issue really, but if not, then some of them could easily get forgotten.
Overall though, I like the beginning and will check out what comes next. Good luck with the contest!
